Last year, I wrote about peace and stillness. This year, I will write about love. It is an incredibly difficult topic for me to open up about. Even typing it now, is so weird… because this is the part of my life I don’t share. In fact, I may even consider it a part of my life that isn’t a real part in my life. If you know me, love is last on my list of things to do. Maybe it is because I genuinely enjoy being single. I do. Maybe it is because I have been burned before. I have. But, so has everyone. I know that now. For so very long, I closed myself off to the idea of love. Being hurt by some, and seeing infidelity become commonplace, I deemed love not worth the pain. I saw it as something that was only going to get in the way. In the way of my life. My happiness. Me. Me. Me. I truly saw it as a fool’s solution to life. In many ways, I felt bad for people in love because they were no longer what I considered “free.”
“Free?” Free to me used to mean being as in control of my emotions as possible. It used to mean not having to worry about anyone else but myself. It used to mean not having to deal with someone else’s actions affecting my mood. It used to mean not having to try in my romantic life. It no longer means that to me, though. Being free to me now means being completely comfortable in my own skin and with the way I feel. It means being confident enough to look someone in their eyes and tell them I have feelings for them. It also means being brave enough to tell someone that I don’t have feelings for them. May I reiterate “eyes”? I certainly have taken the easy route out many times and avoided this important human detail in communicating in the past. I don’t want to in the present or future though. Having feelings is not a decision, and there is no need to apologize for feeling the way we do. By confessing feelings eye to eye, we free ourselves of them. Regardless of the outcome.
I will risk my life for this insane dream that I have for my future, but I tread very carefully in matters of the heart. For that is what I fear most. Free means to face that fear. It means going for it and being bold. It means asking someone exactly what I want from them. It lacks ambiguity. It means asking him out. It means saying what I want to say and risk being rejected. It means putting my heart on the line. It means being honest if my heart isn’t in it. I don’t know why I feel the way I do about certain people. Sometimes, I just do. Sometimes, you just do. Say it’s coincidence, say it’s dumb luck, but I say it’s bigger than that.
I say it is something that is uncontrollable. For if it could be controlled, I would have meditated him out of my mind ages ago. I simply cannot, though. I feel the way I do for whatever reason that I cannot put into words. Love is a crazy, beautiful thing. It makes people mad. Alice in Wonderland mad. It makes people fall down this crazy spiral of rainbows and blackness at the same time.
I have seen people enter a mental institution as a byproduct of love gone wrong. I know some crazy people. I have seen the magic that two people in love can bring each other. It is a fairy tale. It is a tragedy, too. Love is a drug and it is lethal as much as it is ecstasy. For love to exist, hate must as well. For the pleasure, there must be pain. By avoiding the pain and taking the road of apathy, I kept my heart safe. In not letting the pain enter my life, I didn’t let the love in either. I was staying away because that was the most comfortable way for me. Avoiding honest communication was my solution to every romantic relationship I had. If I didn’t say how I felt, I could dangle in limbo and it would all be just fine. It was content. It was indifferent. It was shallow. If we never got deep, we would never get hurt.
This year was different for me because I gave love a shot in my life. Although it didn’t work out and it didn’t quite turn to love… I did put myself out there. I was willing to get hurt, because I was willing to be all in, in a relationship. It was short lived in many ways, and sometimes I fall down my rabbit hole of thinking and question why I did it at all. Why did I waste my time on something that wasn’t going to last? Well, I still question that, but writing this here helps me to see what a waste of time it was not. Talking about love is growth for me. Letting my feelings show is growth for me.
I do know I had to find myself, before I could try and love anyone else. I also know that there were certain people and relationships that I did need to let go. Letting go is just as important as holding on to me. I hope to be honest with myself and those around me in how I feel every chance I get. We are all human beings and we all have feelings. We can’t help it. Next time I am scared to tell someone how I feel about them, I’ll look back at this and remember why I need to do it. Besides if I’m not scared of it, it probably isn’t love…