I have been going through a lot of changes in the past year. These changes include my habits, my way of thinking, my way of eating, my ways of doing, my way of feeling. I finally feel like I need to take a stand on some of the ways I have chosen. One in particular. I believe each person sees things so differently, and I work hard to never pass judgment, because I assure you, whatever someone is doing, I have likely been there before. There are certain things that I have discovered as I evolve that I want to stand for. I want to choose a side. I can only speak from my own experience, but that experience is valid and important, so here goes:
Alcohol —
I used to be a wild party girl in college. After I graduated, I knew that the alcohol pool of sustenance was not going to get me where I wanted to go. I slowed down, a lot. I was able to drink casually and have one drink at dinner if I wanted on the weekends. Every time I did though, some thing inside of me just felt wrong.
Alcohol alters chemicals in our brain. It can create a very pleasurable experience, or it can do the exact opposite. We have all seen the ways alcohol has impacted relationships in amazing and terrifying ways. For me, it has done both. I made many friends through alcohol, and lost many friends because of alcohol.
I gave up alcohol for six months last year (for the first time), went back to drinking for a month (because I couldn’t stand the painful feelings I was experiencing), and I am approaching six months sober again. I am not in AA. I do not consider myself an alcoholic. That thought has 100% crossed my mind in the past though. There was a period that I thought I was an alcoholic. Learning more about alcoholism caused me to think differently though. With that said, please don’t put me in an alcoholic box. Please don’t put me in a problem drinker box. Please don’t put me in an extra holistic and guru-y-fru-fru box. Only put me in the human experience box. With you.
I can say with certainty that alcohol is not healthy for the body or mind. Alcohol hinders our mind. It affects our body. Although the “memories” we have under the influence may feel amazing at the time, the experience is not genuine. One is not experiencing consciousness to it’s full capacity under any influence. Being drunk causes what we see to be altered. Are we truly seeing what is around us? Or are we lost in the drunk? When those “amazing” experiences are over, our then sober self takes for granted everyday life. It is no longer enough for us. Life is no longer play. Let me ask you… do you believe that you are making the best decisions for your life when you are under the influence?
Do you believe that the very best version of yourself is a byproduct of your drunken mind? What about the after effect? Do you believe your mind will reach it’s full capacity after a night of drinking? What about the next week? How long does it take for your body to be able to recover? Alcohol is socially acceptable, and a way of living in society. I understand it. I understand it because I used to live it. I dare you to question this norm though. Just question it.
It is as if we grow up and we are “learned” or “programmed” that this is the right way to do something. We start drinking when we are young and continue throughout our lives without thought. We just accept. You’re an adult now, your “fun” is going to be through alcohol now.
That’s nonsense… We used to be able to have fun. We used to be able to have fun without alcohol. We used to be able to swing on swings and climb on roofs and enjoy little small things without complaining. We used to be able to meet people and not immediately judge them. This was before the responsibilities, the life experiences, and the hurt, yes. This was before everything got so incredibly complicated and confusing.
I swear to you though, there is such a deeper appreciation and connection for the life around you without the alcohol. That kiss, that hug, that phone call, it can mean so much more when your mind is in it’s natural state. That childlike excitement to just dance, it is still there! I went to EDC two weeks ago, dead sober, and had the time of my life. EDC! That pure, untainted, child is still inside us. Why are we dimming that light?
Every time I drank… I felt that light dim. I heard that inner voice inside me, my conscious, my light, my God, anything you want to call it telling me my action was not right. It was telling me that alcohol was not going to get me the life I wanted. As a creator (we all are), I know I am the visionary of my own life. I knew that the drunken nights and the hangovers were not going to get me where I wanted to be. I knew that. I think everyone knows that, deep down. It is deep though. It is past the ego, it is past the voices of all the people around you, is it past what you have always “known.” It is something that is connected to everything itself.
I feel a full responsibility to myself and to this world to be the best person that I can be.
The hard part. The really hard part. Without alcohol, I cannot repress any emotions. You know, how sometimes, you “just need a beer.” Well, maybe you just need a beer, because that emotion that is surfacing doesn’t want to be felt. It is uncomfortable as hell. It is the fire, and it is challenging. We don’t want to feel it. I damn well know I don’t want to feel it. The emotion though, it wants to surface. It wants to come up. It has to come up. Whether or not we let it come to being, feeling, experiencing, giving it the time it needs, it will still remain. Our bodies are talking to us all the time! We just need some help learning how to listen.
These feelings, they are real. They demand our attention. We have to let them be free. The only way to do that is by feeling them. That means admitting they are there. It is not easy though. It is scary. It can feel very lonely at times, too. Sometimes I feel these waves of emotion are going to swallow me. Sometimes I feel I can’t be alone with my thoughts, because they are so strong. At which time, I reach out to some one. We are told our entire lives that our feelings are wrong. Being sad or mad is “wrong.” We should only feel happy, and we should not let our “bad” feelings show. Bewshit, bewshit, bewshit! (Forgetting Sarah Marshall)
How often do people grow up to learn worse? How often do we see people who live for the weekends? Who are only happy when they are intoxicated? That is not the life we were meant to live.
Without alcohol, I have gained an (even more) childlike view of life. A beautiful respect and appreciation for the littlest joys in life. To the swings. To coffee. To sand. To the sun. To a touch. It has given me a deeper connection to all life around me. That’s because without alcohol it is so much easier to “see” and to “feel.” To really see around me. To really feel, because there is absolutely no hiding from my emotions. When I am sad, I cry. When I am mad, I scream. When I am happy, I jump. I feel my emotions. This is not common for adults. It is free though. I definitely don’t do it in public (usually.) My roommates have got to experience a lot of me discovering this (I think they’re scared of me, sorry guys.) I am working on me though and doing the deepest self-work that I have ever done.
There is a term, grateful alcoholic. Although I don’t associate directly with the term, I am grateful that alcohol has gotten me into the trouble it has. Otherwise I would not be able to see this life that is on the other side of it. I would not be able to see this other way of living. I have a wild heart and a wild spirit. With alcohol, I could be crazy, but without it, I can reach something more. This is a potential only few will tap into. It is a super power. I promise.
At the end of the day, what kind of life do you want? Maybe you’ve never been in trouble because of alcohol. Maybe you only drink on the weekends (cough, everyone.) All those accumulated weekends over a lifetime though, they add up. Alcohol is poison. Alcohol is hindering. Body. Mind. Try letting it go for a little bit. I dare you. See what you feel. See what you see. See what you’ve been hiding from. It is scary, but maybe if you let it out, it will finally let you be.
INSPIRATIONS
Life Experience, Macklemore “The Heist” album, The beginning of some random podcast interviewing a guy that has a movement called “One Year, No Beer”, Crazy
Macklemore “Cowboy Boots”
So here's to the nights, dancing with the band
Strangers into girlfriends from a one night stand
Brought a little liquor and turn up the Johnny Cash
You could bring a receipt to Heaven but you cannot take it back
And this is life, this is real, even when it feels like it isn't
I'd be a goddamn liar to say at times I didn't miss it
So deuces, I turn my back as I walk into the distance
Dip my feet in every once in a while, just to say I visit
And we hold onto these nights
Trying to find out way home by the street light
Over time we figure out this is me, right
Learn a lot about your friends right around two A.M