A good feeling

This is my second week in a row feeling really great. I’ve been down a lot lately, so that’s a big deal. What changed?

Well I started pouring my whole heart and soul into my acting and giving it the kind of attention I’d given to it when I first started. It’s easy to get lost in what isn’t going right in my life and in the world. When one thing is going right though, it can change my whole take on things. 

I have actually gotten a role! I have a call back today! To some, this might not seem like a big deal, but to me it’s a HUGE deal. It makes me happy to be getting opportunities to do something I love again. My relationship with acting is so often conflicted. This is because instead of actually acting I am sitting around waiting to act. In that waiting period, it can be easy to get discouraged. It can be easy to say, “I want to quit.” 

At the end of the day though, I always come back. After I graduated college I was looking for a business job. It wasn’t working. Somewhere on my to-do list was to take an acting class. I eventually got to it. Something sparked in me in that class. It lit a fire in me that still remains strong (most of the time.) Acting was a light for me and it still is. It’s easy to forget that though when I am not getting what I want out of it. When I am not getting what I want, it’s because I am spending more time complaining about what I want instead of doing what I want.

I think it truly is as simple as, “You get what you give.” 

If I want to act, I have to try. I aspire to get to that point in my acting career where I no longer have to “try” so hard to get roles. By that time, the trying will be in my work, my acting. I am taking a new seriousness to my craft that I have lacked for awhile now. The only reason that seriousness has come about is because of the time I have been gifted.

This sweet and confusing thing called time.

Much of this quarantine, I was in a down state, “I can’t get a job.” “Why aren’t I getting this-“ “I don’t have enough money.” “Why isn’t this working?” “Is this really right?” “Everything sucks.” These were all valid and honest statements. I’m not wrong for dwelling or for feeling like this. My sad and down times are just as important as the happy and good times. That down time was there for a reason. It was there to show me the way. Only when I am down am I able to find my way again.

Now, I can see this time as the greatest blessing in the world. As low as I can get, I always get back up. In this time I have been given, I am able to be the best actor that I can be. I have time to set up my home studio. I have time to create good auditions. I have time to do what I want to do! 

Before recently, I was letting that empty time take over me. Now I am taking over the time. I am choosing how to spend it. Instead of waiting, I am doing. I am more of a doer than a waiter. No matter how much I meditate and contemplate the life of “non-doing”, I enjoy having things to occupy me. When there is down time, I am down. But I love my up time too. Doing my best feels good and it gives me the confidence I need to get what I want. So for now, I feel good. 

Go vote.