There are days when it all seems like too much. There are days when I cry in my car. There are days when I scream out loud. There are days when I feel like giving up. There are days when I see other people around me in relationships, see people with more security, see people partying the way that I once did. There are days when I wonder…
Am I being left behind?
I don’t like to drink. I don’t like social media. I don’t eat meat. I don’t like gossip. I don’t wear make up. I don’t like or do what I used to. I like yoga. I like reading. I like music festivals. I like acting class. I like to dance. I like tea. I like talking about out of this world ideas with people. I like to give up random things for weeks at a time to see if I can do it.
There are days when I remember who I used to be and what I used to like… and I miss that. I miss the wild drunken nights, I miss the sweet baby back ribs, I miss the shared hangover experience I’d share with people. I miss the old me sometimes.
So… I tried to revisit “the old me.” I re-introduced some of what I had dismissed (drinking, social media, and meat.) I awaited this blissful and enlightened state where I would realize that this was “who I am.”
Disappointingly, that was not my experience at all. That girl that I used to be, she wasn’t there anymore.
Going back to my old ways left me more empty than I could have imagined. Days later, I did yoga on the beach. I went to the movies by myself. I bought sweet kettle popcorn, cookies, and strawberry sparkling water and brought them into the movie theater. I saw Green Book. I went to the beach and danced to dozens of drums on the Santa Monica sands in my purple converse with my pal. I ate a coconut based cookie butter ice cream cone. I watched the sunset with my dog, Pj. All of this, this is perfect to me. This is what I do now.
I started going to the acting studio of my dreams this year. It was on my goal list and damnit, I got there. The people that I have met in this class have re-enforced me. They have shown me that I am not being left behind. I am just going a different way. I was never being left behind either.
I just hadn’t found the people to walk forward with yet.
I had never met people who don’t drink, don’t have social media, who are vegan, all in one until I found my acting studio. It is said to surround yourself with those on the same journey as you. I know I am on the right journey. I don’t need the old me anymore because I am a new me. I am finding my people. For that, I am grateful beyond words.
Acting is about understanding the human condition and being able to recreate that experience. The actor’s goal is to dig down so deep and understand ourselves so deeply so that we can share something. So that we can give something away in our work. That is acting. Some days I question why I chose this art, or why it chose me. Today, I don’t though.
Today I know that who I am becoming is so much more important than who I’ve been. I know the people around me feel that way too.