I am looking out to a place where I don’t know what is underneath. I am looking out onto so much opportunity. This seems to be a pattern for me. A bit of starting over. A bit of not knowing what’s next. I am not sure if that is because it is the way I like it or if it’s because I am searching for something that I haven’t found yet.
Either way, what is beyond me is in the unknown. Maybe it is just my pending reality for I will return to what I do know. I like the unknown in so many ways though. I say I want structure and I do. Of course I do! It keeps my mind from going bat shit crazy. In this life though, I’ve allowed myself so many unique experiences.
I was with my friend, Nancy, yesterday. She broke her back skydiving. She was living in Utah at the time. She had went there on a whim during COVID for adventure’s sake. Nancy used to kick ass in stand up comedy, too. She, like I, has taken a more unconventional path. She had the normal job, but left the normal job. She did the normal thing, then left the normal thing.
We were talking about life yesterday and how we are getting older. Um, yeah, looking into face acupuncture STAT. But, we were talking about the paths that we took. How, somehow, each of us is living at our parents house, still with our unbridled creativity, but without stable income or permanent residences. We were laughing really hard saying how we clearly chose the right path! Obviously!
I don’t need your nice apartment or steady job or “perfect” relationship (on the surface.) What-ever.
Also, please don’t ever ask me “What do I do?”
Anyways, we were joking about ourselves, but also…
I am not mad at the path that I’ve chosen. I’m not mad because it is the one I had to go on. I knew that the “normal” thing wasn’t in the cards for me. That “normal” thing I tried many times, only to come back to my aching heart. The unknown. The searching. I’m okay that I didn’t go that way. It certainly looks nice from this side of the grass right now, but I know that I will find my place. I will not condemn me for not finding it yet.
What I am looking for is harder to find than most.
The path of the creative.
The path of the dreamer.
I am not mad at me because I have to follow my heart. I have to work for a place I believe in or create something I believe in. I have to.
And she and I have both DONE things. We have both DONE so many things. We have tried so much and LIVED a lot of different lives.
Sometimes, I feel like I have lived 100 different lives in this life alone. I know me and I know that the path that has been walked on wasn’t paved for me. I tried to go that route before, and it didn’t work out. Time and time again. I have a loud heart and an inquisitive mind.
What do you do?
If the way I make money is who I am, then I suppose at this moment, I am not much. That isn’t the truth though. I am so much. I am so much more than the way I make money. So much more. If you’re reading this, please stop asking people, “What do you do” as your first inclination to know anything about who they ARE.
We are beautiful, twisted, lost, passionate souls trying to find a place in a world of possibilities. And me, I’m just me. I love, act, sing, love, yell, hug, kiss, love, cry, and learn. That’s what I do. What about you?
