T r i p p y f a c e – c r e a t i v e w r i t i n g
The fragments that make up our mind are like little sticky floating particles. Some of them have been traveling down the same path since we were kids. That same thought that brings you to the same conclusion over and over and over again. My dad calls this or some version of this in life, “Circle Jerk.”
As someone that has been trying to break the genetic makeup of “Circle Jerk” – I see it like this. A thought comes up then that thought takes you to another thought to another to another. It’s like this avalanche of thoughts and then it starts to produce emotion. How do you get to the end of the thought though – albeit it’s one you don’t exactly “prefer?” How do you get out of the circle?
Well, I have no fu****** clue. I’ll let you know if I do, but simply the noticing of the circle I am sure is the start. For example, this thought…
I am constantly torn between the need to work incredibly hard and give something all my energy and to be completely and perfectly still in each moment that is. To not wish for anything more. I am torn between the mind of a business man and that of a yogi. For the yogi tells me that things will pass, and I will be beautiful throughout so long as I keep breathing. But the businessman in me tells me to hustle and keep on pushing, push, push, push until I get what I want. I can tell you that in both I have found more of myself. It is balance of the two I suppose that can be right. But the business man in me says that I can do anything that I want with enough effort and to force things in the right way. The yogi in me says to let the leaf fall how it shall and what for my moment. Patience and grind. Can both exist? (This was written in 2017)
I am still trying to figure this out. Now, I am I guess somewhere more in the middle? Am I? Sure, yeah sure I am. SUREEEE… I am totally not obsessive personality. Mhmm.
Now I DO know I actually love to hustle, and I love to meditate and float like a golden light coming from the sky too. So where I was looking for an answer before – I suppose I am just more comfortable with the fact that there is no answer. There is only duality. That in which both are equally true and right for me. Woo! What a revelation? Right. Oh mind, oh you tricky tricky fool/ genius?
Duality. Both. Everything, at once?
I am everything then.
I am, you too?
Oh man it is getting deep. Down the rabbit hole we –
Yet somehow they knew that would be the last time that they would look at each other that way. They knew it was over. There was nothing left they could do about it though. She was moving off to Wisconsin to attend college and he was staying here. He’d had a job lined up as he was approaching graduation. It was a good job too. Paying decent money. He’d not been interested in stocks or anything like that, but his uncle got him the job. It’d be good money right out of school. Far more than his father had made when he first started out.
She’d been applying to the nursing program the entire past year. They specialized in pediatric cardiac transplants.
They both knew the way they felt and it was far deeper than they had thought it was possible to feel for anyone. It was as deep and vast as the ocean. Tears streamed down both of their cheeks. They thanked the sky every day that they had found each other. They did. Every single day. Yet here they were, about to go their separate ways.
How…
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The love they have, it’s real. It is as real as air in the sky – you could touch it if only you could see a layer deeper.
How then could they let each other go like that?
They didn’t know, yet they did know. Was it that they were not meant to be together? It couldn’t possibly be summed up to something as simple as that, could it? No, it wasn’t that because they were meant to be together. All the time they had spent, it was meant to have happened because it did happen. They felt it too. It was like when they were together, they knew they were exactly where they belonged. Nothing could ever take that away.
Yet the tears in her eyes and the grasp of his arms told another story.
He could ask her to stay. He could ask her to give it all up. Give it all up for him. He could ask.
She might do it, too.
But you see – he loved her. So he couldn’t do that.
I mean, he really loved her.
Somehow his love was so infinite, that he was willing to let her go.
Her happiness was so important to him – and he saw that somehow he was a piece that no longer fit.
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If we say we believe in “one true love”, how can someone let go of that person? How could you? Because you love them. That’s how. Yet love never gives up, does it? True love lasts forever and ever and ever. Years and years a person will judge a relationship by.
But you see – although they said goodbye. They loved. They loved more. They loved enough to say goodbye. To let that person grow into their own perfect, unique version of themself. Years don’t make love. Nor does holding on so tight. But letting breathe and letting fly is what a real love can do. Real love can breathe and expand and move in all directions.
6 months or 6 years – it didn’t matter. You can fall in love in a second. Fall in love in a year. Time cannot measure feelings.
People said they were too young. Too young to know. Too short a time together. The commitment. The responsibility. The love. But they knew. Maybe they knew more. Before all the should be’s in life wore them down. They knew that to love is to let go when it is time. They knew that time was a construct, the memories are stained in their hearts forever. They knew that.
If life shall find them in the space again together, then so be it. But for now, goodbye and I’ll be seeing you.
Self. Romantic. Animal. Family. Friends. Place. Art. Job. A Time in Life. Past. Future.
When I go to Joshua Tree – I feel connected to something deeper. Every time I leave there I feel or understand something in my world that needed clarity. It speaks to me. This time, it showed me something I wasn’t looking for – like it so often does.
THE PAST can be a detriment. It can break me down to my core. It can tell me that things are not as they “should” be. Something should be different. When I dwell in the past – I forget right now. More than that though – when I dwell in the past – I see love lost.
“It’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.”
No.
No.
Every ounce of love that I have ever given was never wasted. It was never lost. It is not lost. I struggle with the past because I see lost love – but what a flawed viewpoint that is. Every single person/ animal/ place that I have loved is never forgotten. I have carried every single love with me every where I have gone. That may sound like a burden – but it’s not.
It is a gift.
A guy I had a crush on in my acting class once said, “There is no economy of love.”
There is never too much. So the love I felt 7 years ago is still as strong today as it was then. The love I felt 2 years ago is still here. And that’s okay. Because there is no such thing as too much love. There only is love. Every single thing that I thought I was supposed to do – every love I thought I was supposed to fight for. It doesn’t matter. The past – it was love. That is the only thing that ever mattered. That love even if it ended in parting ways – was still love. It still changed us.
It doesn’t fade… like graffiti on an overpass.
Love is written in the stars. It is Godlike and it shakes us to our core. It makes us feel alive. How did we turn something so beautiful into something so painful? We yearn for a time in our pasts. I know I have so many times. I’ve felt like dying for a time once here. I see that I don’t need to yearn for THEN though, because THEN is here too. It is in me.
Love doesn’t fade and the moments we had are sprinkled into memories like golden flakes in the sand. Touch the gold flecks and let it shine on you. It changed you. If there was love – you are not who you were before. There is no loss. Love is never lost. Love is always a gain. We learned or we ran or we cried or we felt – but for those moments we loved. That springs eternal.
Never lost. Always here.
If I can see it, I can think of you and smile because in you, I found love. In you, I will not be sad anymore or wish anything was different. How special to find love in this life. Love breeds more love. That’s what you gave me. Your love birthed more and more love. How lucky are we then…
