I thought I was supposed to write these things once a week. What happened? Well, life happened I guess. Life happened and somehow the blog fell to the last important thing on my list. Have you ever felt so drained that your entire body just doesn’t want to move? Like everything around you is just melting and you have to stay in place to just watch it all happen?
That’s what a lot of this year has been for me. Things have happened this year that have been hard to deal with. The pain of this year has cut me down deep. I am trying to cope, trying to be, but when I feel like the walls are melting, I can’t write. I can’t do things like that. I just have to watch them melt until it’s over.
Then when it’s over, I know there’s just a big puddle of feelings I have to pick up and hopefully shed off of me layer by layer. Life does get harder. Decisions become an everyday thing and with everything that’s already happening in the world, it feels like utter chaos.
Pay attention to anything on the news and feel immediate horror at the United States government. Add that to life’s regular dramas. Add that to “quarantine.” Add that to grief. Add that to no Disneyland! Add it all up.
It can be a lot.
It’s not always easy to just look on the bright side.
There is beauty everywhere. Yes. Sometimes it is so hard to see though. This week I was walking and going down my (as of late) usual downward depressive style of thinking. Everything is bad. Everything is this. This means this. If only this would change, then… I remembered something.
I decided to flip my thinking for just a moment. I turned a channel in my head.
I said, “I am grateful for the beautiful home that I live in. I am grateful for a partner. I am grateful for all the trees around me.“
I kept going. I kept saying what I was grateful for.
“I am grateful for the show Sex and the City.“
I kept going. It kept helping. It was like my mind was tuned in to another station and for that moment, those dark thoughts could not live there. I was on the depressed channel and I changed it to the gratitude channel. That moment felt good. It felt right. Everything felt ok. The walls stopped melting. Just for a minute. Then, when my thoughts trailed back to a dark place, I watched the walls melt again, but it melted less and I felt just a little bit better.
There’s things all over about gratitude journals, gratitude this, gratitude that. I’ve tried it before. It didn’t do much for me. For some reason, this time it did. Maybe I needed it this time now more than ever. Saying the words adjusted my world.
Taking a moment to thank the universe for what I’ve been blessed with adjusted the loop in my mind.
Things get dark. The darkness is important, but so is letting a little bit of light through.
Hey Flexxers.
I am sorry to hear that you have been feeling dark lately. It makes me sad & I wish I could do something to help you??
I understand the feeling very well & deal with it daily, hourly & sometimes even second to second. I know to some it’s easy (even a cliche) to attempt to counter-balance that with thoughts/feelings of gratitude & to “stay positive” but, if you can find that formula that works for you that truly does allow you to think/see/feel what you have to be thankful for, as opposed to what you have to be sad about, it can be life-altering.
I know 1st hand since, that is one of the only things that works for me & keeps me sane & grounded. It has even, in every sense of the word, saved my life when I have had dark thoughts about not even existing anymore. My positivity is mos-def based in my faith & my belief in God. For Him I am forever grateful since He gives me hope & something to live for. Anywhoozit, that’s my 2 pesos worth. Te quiero much Lex, I am thinking & praying for you always & am here for you 24/7.
PS-I love what you said about noticing the trees. People have beauty all around them constantly but miss it thinking about their problems or living in the past or future. Be present kiddo, close your eyes, take a deep breath (check out Headspace, an app I use for meditation) open your eyes & look around & just see your surroundings. There is beauty everywhere in everything if you just stop to see it. Booyakashaw…..
Thanks Nino. I meditate every day. Sometimes it just feels dark though. Trying to be okay with the darkness too, so then the light can be even brighter. Thanks for the tips! Love you.