there is a lot of anger inside of me. How do I know this? Well, as wise as my internal perception of this zen master I have in my head is, I do get angry. Really angry. I learned about this anger a lot about 10 years ago.
I believe to understand now, sometimes you have to go back and understand then. So let’s go back to then: Gorman Sadies 2011…
Her name was Jasmine and I was a senior in high school. It was Sadie Hawkins and I was flying in from Kentucky to Vegas to meet my then boyfriend K. I am just gonna call him K for the sake of not using people’s names in my blog? K was flying in from Washington.
We get our costumes custom made from my mom’s hotel in Kentucky. The costumes are amazing! I’ve been building up Sadies since I got to Kentucky. In my head, everything was going to be PERFECT.
We try on our outfits and honestly, my belly isn’t exactly the 4-pack I had been hoping for. He also isn’t exactly the fittest and he also got a big pimple on his forehead. Our pictures were- mediocre.
The big night comes and I start drinking. Well not just me, everyone. But I start really drinking. You know slamming shots, drinking as much as my body can handle. It’s so fun! Right? Drinking is so fun! This has to be fun! This is going to be so fun! So off I go to the blackout races.
Later in the night, I am going pee. K’s backpack is right near me and I decide to go through his phone. In my drunken mind I decide there is obviously nothing to find in there – so why not? Why not settle my curiosity? Right… Yeah, well – I found a text from his ex girlfriend saying, “hey what’s up?” And he said “hey what’s up?”
That was the end of the texts. In my drunken, angry mind, this was blasphemy. The anger took over my whole body. I went down to the party to confront him. How could he do this to me? Talk to her.
I decide to tell him and he defends himself (rightfully so) but I am so mad it doesn’t matter. I slap him in the face? Right a slap? Or hit? I don’t quite remember. But I do that and he goes and grabs his backpack in his Aladdin outfit and leaves by foot from the house in Summerlin when his family lives about 40 mins away driving in Henderson.
So like yeah he’s pissed.
I slowly realize what I’ve done and tears start streaming down my face. A lot of tears. And yelps and cries and screaming and a lot of sounds that eventually the girl who’s house it was told me to shut the f*** up.
I chase after him though. By foot and car. It doesn’t work. He’s running away from me near the pass of the freeway in his Aladdin outfit and I am helplessly chasing after him.
I can’t catch up. The night ends, somehow. I don’t sleep.
He comes back to go to Disneyland with me the next day. But without saying a word we both know it is over from that day on.
So – I have named this character in me Jasmine. An alter ego if you will. For a long time, I blamed Jasmine on the alcohol. I figured, clearly, I was just out of my mind drunk for doing something so belligerent! Right? Right? That wasn’t ME. That was the alcohol! Obviously!
So get rid of the drinking and get rid of the Jasmine! Well I got rid of the drinking and guess what?
Jasmine is still here… WHAT!!! How in the –
This anger in me. It runs deep. Deep as blood. Since mostly my family reads this blog, you know the Aguirre blood.
Anger, grudge holding, and running when things are hard or not understandable. The anger. The anger. It’s still in me! It is still in me! It wasn’t the drinking, although drinking is not a medicine of choice for me anymore – I still can act out in rage.
I am triggered most in my romantic relationship. It’s no wonder I stayed away from them for so long. It is because the emotional pull it has on me is so heavy. I want things to be how I want them and if they aren’t I get angry and act irrationally. I do things that are not guided by my higher self. I say things and let the anger boil in me so much to where I cannot hold it in anymore.
Jasmine is still in me. Only after acting out a couple days ago did I see how my anger still haunts me. I have to learn to be with my anger this time though. That is why I am writing this. That is why I have to learn this time what my past is showing me.
I have anger. I come from a family that has that anger too. We have been blessed with a lot, but an even keel temper in our closest relationships is not one of them.
So what do I do? How do I live with Jasmine? Well for starters, I realize she is still here! Secondly, I also realize that me blaming my anger on my romantic partner or friend or family member is not cool. It’s also not going to move me through to my next phase of growth in life. I am responsible for my emotions, no one else. No matter what you do or don’t do to me, they are MY emotions and MY emotions are not your fault!
Wow, that is a hard one to discover.
That is a lot easier to write than to do though. I’m a work in progress. I have to get ahold of living with Jasmine though. She needs to be heard just as much as the happiness in me. I do not deny the anger in me anymore. I won’t. I have to take FULL responsibility of my feelings!
One thing I did learn though that is more in the doing and not in the abstract is that I am done doing ANYTHING when I am in these states of mind. I need to stop grabbing for life lines from my friends and BE with the feelings. I need to stop impulsively cutting people off from my life. I need to stop ACTING and instead stop and BE when these waves take over me.
When the smoke fades, I see who these people are. The people I am blaming my feelings on. They are the love in my life, here to teach me a lesson about myself. The lessons from the negatives are the teachers. Will we learn this time or will we keep going around?
Me – My anger I’ve blamed on external things for far too long. Now, I see my anger as a part of me I very well can live with. I just need to learn how.