See, I thought that when I got in a relationship, that everything would flow together so simply. I figured we would float on hand-in-hand being able to secretly read each other’s minds, and fill that gaping hole that exists in both of us. I thought we would fall together like a beautifully draped window frame overlooking the Pacific Ocean. Birds would sing, and so would we, because happiness and joy would constantly overcome us and our special time together.
Sure, that happens. Sometimes. There are times when I am cuddled up in my boyfriend’s arms and I feel so warm and special that I never want to leave that place. There are times when he surprises me with things like Disneyland on my birthday that makes my heart skip a beat. There are times when I look at him and I feel so lucky because of how well he treats me.
There are also times where things are so hard that I don’t know how I am going to make it to the next day. Looking at someone in a relationship face-to-face everyday is a real test of all the scars that we have come to accumulate over the years. All those things I have been hiding for so long are now directly in front of me.
During therapy and a psychology course, I learned something valuable. I learned, in more or less words, that whatever bothers us in someone else is because we see it in ourselves. I’ve written on this before. Whatever bothers you about someone else, let’s say you notice how someone’s appearance isn’t right, it is because you are self-conscious of your own appearance. If you say people are so “judgmental,” it is because you feel judgmental yourself, and on and on and on.
So, getting in a relationship to me is putting a direct mirror on my beautiful partner to all my own insecurities. It is scary sometimes. I see him get angry. It frustrates me so much because I fear anger. I fear anger because I grew up in a household that wasn’t always quiet. Things got loud and my home could be very chaotic at times. Being with someone makes me see how much that did effect me and how much it still does. It gives me anxiety. I am not naturally “touchy” because I never saw that kind of vulnerability in my home.
When my partner does certain things, it will trigger something in my past, and I do not react to him, I react to what happened to me in the past. This isn’t always of course, there are certain times that he really drives me up a wall and I do the same to him. That is when we have to have actual conversations. Serious conversations are another thing I am not well-versed in. I try though, and we work through things with our words, in the best way that we can.
Being in a relationship, if you’re doing it honestly with one another and trying to show your true face (as well as you can) is really a test. It is a test to see if you can see those things in yourself (that you don’t like) in your person and accept them anyways. It is a test to see if you can let things go. It is a test to see if you can forgive. Them and you. It is a test every day.
I know that I have a tendency to talk in a tone that is less than sweet. I don’t do it on purpose and I honestly don’t know that I am doing it when it happens. Sometimes I can come off as very mean though. I’d heard it from my mom sometimes that I’d have these fits of moods that I couldn’t seem to shake myself out of, that I could be really, really mean if I wanted to. Sometimes, I put that meanness on my partner because of something going on inside me, and I don’t even know that I’m doing it!
He is a direct reflection. A reflection for me to see him in all his wonderful flaws and be with him anyways. To accept myself for all my wonderful flaws. A relationship to talk about what bothers me. A creation of space to be able to lay our masks on the table.
Jealousy is an emotion I have never been fond of. I always thought jealousy was weak. If I didn’t get something that I wanted and someone else did, it was never meant for me. Little did I know… There was jealousy underneath that well put together facade. There was. I never let it show though. I had some excess build up in this relationship from all my years of “playing it cool.” There have been people in my past that I wanted to be in a relationship with, and I watched them walk away in another’s arms, like it was no big deal at all. It showed strength, or so I thought.
I know now that front was a lie. It was a shield to my heart. It was a cover up to not show what was truly inside of me. Showing my heart was impossible back then. When my parent’s divorced, I didn’t cry or vent once about it for 6 years. I think I had so much pain pent up in me and so many walls over my heart, I didn’t know what I was doing was untruthful. What is really inside me can be a real fuck-up sometimes. She can be jealous, hateful, mean, and come up with crazy scenarios. She can still think all of that needs to be tied with a nice ribbon, not honest. I’ve done my best to stop using the ribbons, and to get completely honest.
In my relationship, I have a place to talk about the things that upset me. I used to feel this paralytic sensation when I would want to tell someone how I felt. If I wanted to express jealousy or hate, I’d clam up and say nothing at all, or tell a joke. Now I can walk through all of that silence and break it. I can express my hurt and my pain without fear. We have a white board in our living room. It has a column on it that says “values” and a column that says “feelings.” This is what we want to give light to in our house. Honesty is the first word on that board.
My partner talks about his feelings often. He does so much more than I do. This gives me the opportunity for growth. He has shown me how to let what is inside come out, no matter how scary it is. I can talk about the fear that surrounds that. I have got to show him a different way of treating himself, of self-care that can ease his mind in times of stress. We have helped each other grow, of this I am sure.
While thinking a relationship was going to be all butterflies and no effort, I kept my heart safe. I remained naive and ignorant of what a relationship is. A relationship is work. No one ever said that to me. At 27, maybe those words came a bit late, but I am happy that they came. A relationship is working through good and not so good times. It is being so mindful of one another. It is working together to make a comfortable space to share our spirits. It’s ever-changing, just like the world around us. Like my life, views, wants, and needs all continue to change, so too do we.
This is my experience. This is my love.
