Category: Blog

If you really look at the people in front of you… you’ll notice something that you didn’t see before. You’ll notice that in that person’s eyes there is a whole world inside of them. Almost like a galaxy right behind their eyes.

It’s easy to see the wonder in a baby’s eyes, because those little crazies will stare right into your soul and in that moment, you know. There’s a pause because the wonder of that little baby is so infinite. It exists beyond so much more than that moment itself. You can stare and you can see. It’s in every adult too.

It’s in all of us. When you really look, you can see. See the galaxy in them.

There’s a galaxy in you too. I think once you realize the vastness of not only just the human body, but the human mind, and then to even try and grasp the vastness of spirit is far too grand for words to express. Once you start to though, to see the wonder in every breath, in every movement, feel the gravity of every word, you’ll start to see the intention of everything all around you.

You’ll start to see the galaxy.

Imagine a place where every single thing you imagine can be real?

Guess what? That’s the truth! Your mind can imagine ANYTHING! Where you allow your mind to settle determines what you think and feel. That is your experience. You determine your experience constantly, every moment. Every negative emotion is your choice. Every positive thought is a choice too. It may not seem like it always, but that’s only because we see ourselves as these small, little beings. And physically, that may be true.

Infinitely true though, is spirit, is what is living inside of us. If we could see the vastness of us beings in every single moment, we wouldn’t get lost in another negative thought, because we’d know how much has been put into every single moment in front of us. We couldn’t get lost in thought, because we’d see how important, how every action, every word mattered so very much. There are two ways to live in this world.

One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” ― Albert Einstein

Welcome into the new season! What are you going to let live and die this season?

This is the first article I am writing based upon a Google Trend Search. Just being honest with you out the gate.

The first day of Spring… It means flowers are coming out. The sun is staying here longer. Days are longer. Life is just moving on forward. Out of the supposed darkness of winter, we enter a time of more light. For any religious folks, we are coming up to Easter. The rising of Jesus. The rebirth of a death.

What does Spring mean for us though?

Waiting for the words to spill out from the universe through me and onto this post. Let’s say spring is a time of reveal. Of new blossoms and the death of the old. I’d gather that each season has it’s perfection to it. Spring, like each other change of season represents something new. It represents something changing.

So, I’ll ask myself today – what do I want to let live in my life and what do I want to let die? What parts of me or that which is around me is no longer breathing life into me? That would be what I can let go of. What parts of me nourish me so much and make me feel so alive and perfect? That is which I can nourish even more.

Now, what I am saying is taking a true inventory of yourself and accepting everything exactly as it is – then deciding what can be watered and what can be trimmed.

If you watch the life of a plant, you’ll see that leaves come and leaves go. They live and they die. The roots grow in a pot so dense that the plant needs a new, bigger pot to grow. You, too are a growing and thriving person who deserves to let old leaves fall and new ones come in. You deserve a bigger pot, sometimes!

You’re a perfect, spiritual person and you need to water yourself in all the ways you can. Now, I listened to Oprah do an interview for Soul Sunday and she interviews an incredible woman that says you will know you’re on the right path when you are no longer betraying yourself. When you don’t do or participate in anything that makes you feel that you are betraying yourself. Whether that be a person, a job, a friendship, anything really that makes you feel that you are betraying yourself.

No one can be there for you but you! So be there for you! Like in the video, there is no greater hurt than that of betraying yourself.

When you are on the right path, you’ll know! So keep seeking wise person! Let your leaves come and let them go! Believe in yourself, because why not? You are capable! You’re made up of stars – didn’t you know?

The veil is turning
It’s coming undone
In front of my face
Everything I had thought
That I planned
And sorted out carefully
It’s lifting
I can see again
Not sure if these lens
Or the others
Are the right ones to wear today
But it’s lifting
And I am returning
To everything
To every part of myself
The abandoned
The lost
And the wicked
The beautiful
The sacred
Forbidden
I’m waking up again
To life
Unfolding
And trust in that
In life
I am the current
And the wave that shakes the boat
I am the rain
And sky
And sun and moon
I am the jerk right in front of you
The angel saving the homeless woman
The anger explosion
The good
And the bad
I am that
And everything in between
I am lost and I am sick
I am sweet and I am juicy
I am love
And I am hate
I am the beggar
I am the rich
The married
And the unfit
I am only this
And all in between
Love is all that I see
Because absolutely
Nothing
And everything
Belongs to me

Somewhere down the line
We forgot
We forgot our magic powers
We are starting to see again
That thing, that fate that lives within me
We are starting to recognize
That anything we wish
Can indeed come true
We can make anything happen
The true and wonderful and blue
Everything you wish
It can come true
The veil it’s lifting
We are seeing
In the moments
The moments where we exist
In this place
We see
Our power
We fly
With the birds in the sky
We wish upon a star
Then see the star is in us
And we can grant any wish
We are the sky
See
Look
Pray
Now

You should understand now
That I am as passionate about leaving
As I am about staying

I am not sure what you want from me
It sure seems like you want me
But you won’t tell me what I want to hear
Am I just letting myself get walked all over

Where did all that pride go?
I let it float by somewhere in the past
Let it go by
Because it couldn’t last

And now I come to you prideless
With my heart in my hands
Offering it up to you

I wish you could tell me you feel it too
Tell me
Maybe you have in your own way
But your own way is so slow

Compared to my fire that I bring to your door step
I’d like to stay here with you
But these tears won’t stop coming
Since I don’t feel you right here

Tell me I’m the one
That’s what I need to hear
Or I could walk right back to where I came from
I might take that heart right back
If you don’t have the capacity
To take care of it

Please don’t give it back though
Please take care of it
And love me the way I know you can…

There was once a boy and he loved me
And he tried to teach me about love
I was so scared though
That I ran away as far as I could
Without a sound
Because loving someone that loved me
Was far too risky
Than the safety of falling for something that was easy
Or unattainable
Loving and being loved
Has been my greatest fear of all
A song came on today that brought me to you
Right back where I remember
A brief time in your arms
And today I learnt of love more
Through poem
How love is love itself
Loving you
Loving me
Was never a choice
You see
It’s always been bigger than us
I swear it
If I could have sworn off love forever I would have
Because it hurts too deep
And it scars too easy
But now I see
That without the thorns
There is no rose
And without pain
There is no love

there is a lot of anger inside of me. How do I know this? Well, as wise as my internal perception of this zen master I have in my head is, I do get angry. Really angry. I learned about this anger a lot about 10 years ago. 

I believe to understand now, sometimes you have to go back and understand then. So let’s go back to then: Gorman Sadies 2011…

Her name was Jasmine and I was a senior in high school. It was Sadie Hawkins and I was flying in from Kentucky to Vegas to meet my then boyfriend K. I am just gonna call him K for the sake of not using people’s names in my blog? K was flying in from Washington. 

We get our costumes custom made from my mom’s hotel in Kentucky. The costumes are amazing! I’ve been building up Sadies since I got to Kentucky. In my head, everything was going to be PERFECT. 

We try on our outfits and honestly, my belly isn’t exactly the 4-pack I had been hoping for. He also isn’t exactly the fittest and he also got a big pimple on his forehead. Our pictures were- mediocre. 

The big night comes and I start drinking. Well not just me, everyone. But I start really drinking. You know slamming shots, drinking as much as my body can handle. It’s so fun! Right? Drinking is so fun! This has to be fun! This is going to be so fun! So off I go to the blackout races. 

Later in the night, I am going pee. K’s backpack is right near me and I decide to go through his phone. In my drunken mind I decide there is obviously nothing to find in there – so why not? Why not settle my curiosity? Right… Yeah, well – I found a text from his ex girlfriend saying, “hey what’s up?” And he said “hey what’s up?” 

That was the end of the texts. In my drunken, angry mind, this was blasphemy. The anger took over my whole body. I went down to the party to confront him. How could he do this to me? Talk to her. 

I decide to tell him and he defends himself (rightfully so) but I am so mad it doesn’t matter. I slap him in the face? Right a slap? Or hit? I don’t quite remember. But I do that and he goes and grabs his backpack in his Aladdin outfit and leaves by foot from the house in Summerlin when his family lives about 40 mins away driving in Henderson.

So like yeah he’s pissed. 

I slowly realize what I’ve done and tears start streaming down my face. A lot of tears. And yelps and cries and screaming and a lot of sounds that eventually the girl who’s house it was told me to shut the f*** up.

I chase after him though. By foot and car. It doesn’t work. He’s running away from me near the pass of the freeway in his Aladdin outfit and I am helplessly chasing after him. 

I can’t catch up. The night ends, somehow. I don’t sleep.

He comes back to go to Disneyland with me the next day. But without saying a word we both know it is over from that day on. 

So – I have named this character in me Jasmine. An alter ego if you will. For a long time, I blamed Jasmine on the alcohol. I figured, clearly, I was just out of my mind drunk for doing something so belligerent! Right? Right? That wasn’t ME. That was the alcohol! Obviously!

So get rid of the drinking and get rid of the Jasmine! Well I got rid of the drinking and guess what?

Jasmine is still here… WHAT!!! How in the –

This anger in me. It runs deep. Deep as blood. Since mostly my family reads this blog, you know the Aguirre blood. 

Anger, grudge holding, and running when things are hard or not understandable. The anger. The anger. It’s still in me! It is still in me! It wasn’t the drinking, although drinking is not a medicine of choice for me anymore – I still can act out in rage. 

I am triggered most in my romantic relationship. It’s no wonder I stayed away from them for so long. It is because the emotional pull it has on me is so heavy. I want things to be how I want them and if they aren’t I get angry and act irrationally. I do things that are not guided by my higher self. I say things and let the anger boil in me so much to where I cannot hold it in anymore.

Jasmine is still in me. Only after acting out a couple days ago did I see how my anger still haunts me. I have to learn to be with my anger this time though. That is why I am writing this. That is why I have to learn this time what my past is showing me. 

I have anger. I come from a family that has that anger too. We have been blessed with a lot, but an even keel temper in our closest relationships is not one of them. 

So what do I do? How do I live with Jasmine? Well for starters, I realize she is still here! Secondly, I also realize that me blaming my anger on my romantic partner or friend or family member is not cool. It’s also not going to move me through to my next phase of growth in life. I am responsible for my emotions, no one else. No matter what you do or don’t do to me, they are MY emotions and MY emotions are not your fault!

Wow, that is a hard one to discover.

That is a lot easier to write than to do though. I’m a work in progress. I have to get ahold of living with Jasmine though. She needs to be heard just as much as the happiness in me. I do not deny the anger in me anymore. I won’t. I have to take FULL responsibility of my feelings!

One thing I did learn though that is more in the doing and not in the abstract is that I am done doing ANYTHING when I am in these states of mind. I need to stop grabbing for life lines from my friends and BE with the feelings. I need to stop impulsively cutting people off from my life. I need to stop ACTING and instead stop and BE when these waves take over me.

When the smoke fades, I see who these people are. The people I am blaming my feelings on. They are the love in my life, here to teach me a lesson about myself. The lessons from the negatives are the teachers. Will we learn this time or will we keep going around?

Me – My anger I’ve blamed on external things for far too long. Now, I see my anger as a part of me I very well can live with. I just need to learn how.