I strongly dislike beginning anything I write with “You”. This is because I am in no position to tell you or anyone else what to do or think. No one is really. I find myself in my writing doing just that though. This is because it feels natural. When I say you, I really mean me. It alleviates the separation of space between reader and writer. At the end of the day though, what is for me most likely will not be for you. I have found that the most truth that I can portray will be told from an I, from a “Me” perspective. That is why I love memoirs and fiction. Stories are what reach people. Stories are what touch me. Maybe they touch you too. They are not put out to put any other method down. Or say by putting together x and y, we will most certainly get the same result. Each present situation and each of our life experiences allow us sight through these extraordinarily different lenses. Only through I will I ever be able to really reach you. So I will speak of I.
Like is a casual word. Isn’t it? It doesn’t really express any brave emotion. I can say that I like writing and that is why I do it. I can say that I am liking this right now. But I don’t write because I like it. I write because I have to… I write or draw or act or exercise, and that is because there is something inside that I have to express that can only be addressed through these actions. Most times, I write when I am anything but content or in a good mood. As a matter of fact, when things are going well in my life, I hardly ever write. A friend once told me that he hates writing. He hates it because he has to. He told me that it hurts him to write. Writing is like bleeding. It hurts. Through this pain though, he creates beauty. Through my pain, I create what I see as beauty. I create when I am in the most uncertain of circumstances. Content is nothingness. When I am content, I sprint to the nearest chaos I can find. When I am at risk of failure is when I am alive.
This is what has brought me back to acting. The excitement of moving to a new place every few months only gets me so far. Every time I find solitude, I discover my love of Acting again. Every time I act, it is something different. It is never the same. My emotions change every second and that is what makes Acting so beautiful. Acting is the possibility of failure every single time. There is the chance that I will perform and it will be absolutely dreadful. That chance is taken every time. Each time I am in front of people to perform, something inside my stomach drops. It is that feeling of looking over an edge and hoping not to splatter all over the ground. Acting is the continuous falling and never really landing. I never hit the bottom. Pure therapy.
Upon being in L.A. recently, I have found that my discussion of Acting has changed. When people used to ask me about my Acting, I spoke with a fire in my eyes, as all the hope in the world was still before me. Actors are everywhere in L.A. Everyone is chasing some sort of dream. In my past environment, I was the one who was chasing something that they couldn’t see. It felt brave. In L.A. my battle is commonplace. I have started to doubt my efforts and think that I am just doing what everyone else is doing. I hate that feeling. Anything worth getting is hard. I have noticed that as of late when people find out that I act, I respond negatively pointing out that it is what I always come back to and I have to give it a shot. It has become a passive response. One I brush off. This is because I have seen the industry and it is indeed one of the most saturated and difficult to be in. That challenge used to thrill me, but it has started to negate me.
Last night in my Film Technique class, I left feeling stressed out. This was the first time that I ever felt my work didn’t give me satisfaction, it gave me the opposite. My acting partner and I have performed together before. Acting flows naturally for both of us. In the past, we have completely ‘winged’ a performance and it turned out amazing. This time was different though. We came unprepared and our performance exuded just that. Our lines faltered and we practically drove our teacher to smoking a cigarette outside alone. The reason was because we were not ready. We did not put in the time. It showed. Our natural abilities could not save us.
Acting can come very naturally to some, and very difficult to others. I listened to a podcast with Kevin Costner being interviewed by Tim Ferriss. It was about his journey through acting and life. Kevin is a rational and hard working man. On his very first audition, he got in a car accident on the commute there. His car was immobile. He left his car in the middle of the freeway and walked the remainder of the way to the audition. He made the audition, but didn’t get the part. He felt something while he was on stage though. He decided while he was up there, that Acting was it for him and that that was what he was going to do. Acting did not come naturally to him. He worked incredibly hard though and learned everything there is to know about the craft. He left his car on the side of the freeway to make it to that audition. Like this audition, most of his career he faced many external issues, but he kept on. He continued until he succeeded.
I need to remember that just because I am able to act, does not mean I don’t need to put in the work. I started to address the topic without the passion in my eyes. I act because when I do it there is nothing else that can supersede that feeling. Anyone, just like Kevin Costner, can work harder than me can and will easily precede me in this profession. I once read a Salvador Dali quote, “Intelligence without ambition is like a bird without wings.” This goes for any gift. Intelligence is a gift, writing is a gift, and these gifts can provide wings. But without the practice, they will never leave the ground. I just have to remind myself why I am doing this. My strength may be there, but if my grit and heart don’t stay in it, there is no point. Like anything, I will pick back up. I will continue to give my gift my ambition. It deserves it. That is why I act. This is so I remember. To future me, this is why.