Pj Aguirre

I have a boy. His name is Pj Aguirre. Although he’s not physically here with me now, I know that he is here with me now...

It was three years ago, the two dogs had been living with my brother, Gordo, in Arizona, and only one dog was allowed in his new apartment. Pj had been mine since I was 10, but he stayed at home when I went to college. He came to me from Minnesota on a plane in 2003. When he landed, my heart melted in a way that I never thought it could. I was only 10 years old, yet here was this beautiful dog that I was completely infatuated with. My first email address and AIM account was [email protected]. He was my sweetheart.

When Pj returned to me, I was living in Hermosa Beach renting a room in a crowded family home. I was paying 700/ month. I had little space and was not comfortable at all. Pj started peeing all over the house like he’d done so often in the past. It was causing problems.

I knew Pj and I were going to have to move. I had to find a place for us and I had to re-pottie train him. I found a house a few miles away in Redondo Beach that was way out of my price range. I knew that I could swing it but barely. I liked the roommates too… but most importantly, there was a yard for Pj! I convinced the landlord to let me move in even though I hardly had enough money to live there.

Pj continued to have small accidents when he would get upset about something, but… He got way better! Having Pj was the first time in my life that I started making decisions for someone other than myself. He made me want to live a little differently. When Pj came to me, I started sleeping in a little more so I could cuddle with my boy. I started letting time pass by a little softer without much concern to “do” anything. Although we never spoke to each other, our spirits were/ are entangled. A silent, powerful bond.

We were inseparable, Pj and I. Work? Yes he went. Sometimes he’d work doubles with the other employees there. Store? Yep. Car rides? Yep. Road trips? Yes. Restaurants? Yep. I once went out to eat with my friend, and after took Pj to dine at El Pollo Loco. We went everywhere together. We were a team.

Often times I’d look at my boy, smile, and sing:

You are my sunshine

my little sunshine,

you make me happy

when skies are grey,

you’ll never know Peedy

how much I love you,

so please don’t take my Peedy away

He’d give me a slightly dirty look asking me to please not smother him so much and “please mother don’t sing in public!” A casual eye roll. His personality was that of a fancy British male. He liked the finer things in life: human food, looking sharp, and good posture. Pj was a fancy boy. He demanded to be respected and that’s what he got. My prince.

If I tried to play fetch with him, he would laugh in my face. A tennis ball? Yeah, right. Those were for dogs. He wasn’t like other dogs. That’s what made him special. Pj was just himself. He would stare into your eyes for long periods of time. He was always quiet, I don’t remember him barking the last five years of his life.

He wouldn’t come up and lap my face with kisses all the time, but every once in a while, he’d walk up to me while I was laying down and give me one distinct lick kiss. I knew how much Pj loved me and those rare kisses meant everything to me. Each night he slept, he needed to have his butt right up next to me. Not exactly “cuddling,” but always touching. He followed my lead everywhere I went. He actually loved Yoga too. He’d plop his butt right down in the middle of the mat mid-downward dog.

He loved putting his head out the window in the car. He loved to eat things he wasn’t supposed to. He loved shining his beautiful eyes up at you to guilt you into giving him some food. He loved breaking into the trash can. He loved stealing dark chocolate bars out of my purse (yes he digested it fine.) He loved smelliness. He loved me.

My brother called him a garbage disposal. Pj was my troublemaker, my calm boy, my partner. He was an extension of me… I would constantly tell people that we were twins, didn’t we look so alike?

Pj taught me how to love without conditions. I never really got mad at Pj. If I did, it was rare. I didn’t get mad at him because I wanted him to know how loved he was, even at his worst. For some reason, I just could not be mad at his face. Yes he was the most handsome boy in the whole entire world, but it was more than that. Maybe after not having him for so long, I felt I had a lot of love and care to make up for.

Pj taught me commitment. I was committed to him and everything that I did in a way revolved around him. Sacrificing certain things didn’t matter, I loved coming home to Pj. It was better than anything in the world.

I remember the way that he would look up at me like, “Mother, are you serious?” When I’d dance around him like a maniac, or when I’d do something ridiculous, or when I didn’t give him food, or pretty much all the time. He was my sweet boy, my handsome pants, my little guy.

The other day I was at a random café that I had never been to… I say a prayer to Pj while I am waiting for my coffee and English muffin. I get my coffee and go out to the table outside to wait for the muffin. Just then, I look up and the sign that is engraved on the front counter reads, “You are my Sunshine.” I start crying.

In that moment, I felt Pj’s eternal presence. I felt Pj right there with me. I knew he heard my prayer.

I feel him every day. I feel Pj. I actually feel stronger with him by my side now, even though sometimes it’s so hard, and typing this right now I may cry because I miss him so much.

I know my Pj was more than a dog. He is a soul. In the end, I had to make a decision to put Pj to sleep. It was the hardest thing in the world. It was the only gift that I could give him though. He had given me so much in his life. I told him to tell me when it was time. He told me in that unspoken way of how we so often communicated with one another. I felt him tell me. When his soul left his body, I felt him leave too. It was heart wrenching. I sure am grateful to have had him for as long as I did, 17 years is a long time. I wish we had more time here on Earth together, but I know he is here to guide me whenever I need him. I know he is at peace too. He told me that. He is the light in the sky now, my forever sunshine.

Born: June 19th, 2003

Into the Sky: July 15th, 2020