To all the things I’ve run away from

To all the things I’ve run away from,

I’ve often thought that to fix a problem, to fix an emotion, to fix a difficulty you can just leave the situation and start over. To fix something, just leave. As simple as that. 

Since deciding that, I’ve left countless places, countless jobs, countless habits in the hopes of just that: to fix something. I’ve left friends that I miss every day. I’ve left jobs that I really loved. I’ve ran from so many things in my life, it’s hard to remember exactly why I ran away at all. Most times, things were just not easy. When it got not easy was when I figured it was time to go somewhere new. Some place where things were light again. New people, new places, new relationships.

Looking back now though, I wonder why I ran. Looking back now, I say sorry to all the beautiful things that I have ran away from. I also wonder if I’ll run again. 

Were those things truly not the right things for me? Or was I just not right with me? 

I can look at something as small as social media or as big as moving. Instead of trying to figure out healthy boundaries, I completely cut things off. I say goodbye and I don’t look back. I can’t help but wonder if these excesses are just disguises to hide from something. The way that I jump from place to place, I wonder if that’s what I do with things in my life too. If one thing doesn’t work the way I want then I am onto another thing.

To the places that I left too soon. To the people that I often wish I never left at all. Thank you for all you’ve taught me.

To a former me. Thank you for the lessons, but I don’t want to run any more.