I am working at the YMCA at 5:17 a.m. The room starts to permeate with the smell of black coffee. At 5:24 a.m., a gentleman comes to the front door. He is naturally hunching over quite a bit and has a blue striped shirt on. The YMCA technically opens at 5:30 but because of the consistency of men like this one, I open an entire six minutes earlier each day. Always been a rule breaker, that Lexi. Frank is his name. He is 86 years old, stands at about 5 foot 3 inches, 100% Italian, and always wearing one of those old school berets on his head. He is loud. He is funny. He is my favorite. Frank jokes on his buddy Bob all the time. Frank jokes on every one all the time. I love Frank.
Frequently, I would be sitting behind the desk at the YMCA and Frank would come up to me to talk. We are friends and we would share with one another frequently. He would tell me of his current troubles, who’s died in his friend group, how Bob cares about the showy stuff, his wife Diane, his little shitzu named Bonnie, and his life. I would tell him about my acting, work frustration, decisions I had to make, and my life. There are many things I will never forget about Frank, but one in particular transcends the others.
He would come up to me, look me in the eye, and simply say, “Lex, it’s all bullshit.” “All of it”, he would continue on. This, that, la la la… And the other thing. He was right. He is right. It is all bullshit. I don’t mean this in a pessimistic way either. I mean it in a real-life way. It’s all bullshit means we I don’t have to take every single thing so damn seriously. We I don’t have to get offended so often. I don’t have to get mad at myself for wanting to have fun. I don’t have to stay disappointed or upset with people who hurt me.
Frank didn’t let external circumstances interfere with his inner life. His mind was right, so all was right. He was mad, happy, angry, calm, infuriated, over-joyed, and all the above and below; but at the end of the day he could look at me, smile and say, “Well, Lex, you know it’s all bullshit.” Frank was no passive guy. He had strong emotions and he showed them. What made him different was he could express his feelings, then get on with whatever he was doing anyway. No passivity. No holding back until the “right” time. Just release.
It’s all bullshit allows me to see when someone gets mad at me for whatever reason, it’s all bullshit and it will pass. It lets me know that when shit hits the fan, it is all bullshit. And I will get through this bullshit here, just like I got through that one there. It’s all bullshit taught me to let go. If something happens a way I didn’t want it to, it’s all bullshit brings me back and reminds me that nothing is permanent. Everything changes.
Why didn’t I do this differently? Why did I say something so silly without thinking? Why? What am I going to do if this happens? What is he gonna think of me? But guess what? It’s all bullshit. Time will pass and everything I said or did once will fade. Worrying won’t change anything.
Frank didn’t claim to be some wise older man with all the answers. No, quite the contrary as a matter of fact. He cussed loudly, he spoke his mind. I can say to myself a million times in a row to “be present” and “focus on the positive”. All those lovely sayings don’t save me though when my mind is playing battle royale with itself. It’s all bullshit can.
See, because it’s all bullshit is honest. It’s real because we all think it. We just don’t say it. Frank said it. He laughed everyday. He made people laugh. He told me his secrets. And though he never knew it, he taught me the greatest lesson of all. It’s all bullshit keeps me smiling when I lost my keys in the middle of the sand on the beach, as a gigantic wave washes over me bringing my bathing suit top down with it, in front of 29 teenagers. Those things happen to me. Bullshit.
Frank is the man. WWII Veteran. Loyal, honest Frank. I still email him once every few months. I gotta make it on that screen for Frank. I’ll tell him along the way I just kept going, and when life would get me down I’d remember him saying “it’s all bullshit,” laugh, and take my next step.
