January 2, 2019
I started writing on this blank word document with a scene about a man and a woman.
They are about to break into an argument.
The woman immediately submits in order to avoid expressing the anger inside her.
The scene would cut from them to the girl being a child.
It would flash to a childhood experience of hers.
It would give reason to her shutting down.
I have been to therapy before. I have started going again. I am fascinated with the unconscious (or subconscious depending on what source you’re using) acts of my own mind. I am fascinated as to the energies that live in my body. I am fascinated by the way I make decisions. I am fascinated by habits. I wonder how much has been decided for me. I wonder about my everyday actions. I wonder…
How many times am I actually conscious of my decisions?
Let’s be real honest here though… Although I do believe all the abstract, lovely jargon that I typed above, what really brought me BACK to therapy was…
(a) The loss of a fancy job (that I hated.)
(b) The loss of a guy that I was (quickly) falling in love with.
If you know me, you might think I’m just a ball of joy all of the time, or maybe you think I am really reserved. I don’t know. I have heard both. If you really know me though, you’d know that my mind can go to some dark places. You’d know I have high highs and low lows. You’d know I have a lot of self-discipline too. When my life feels out of control, I really start to question myself.
I started going to therapy earlier this year (before I started to fall apart because of above situation) because I knew I had problems opening up to people in relationships. During my sessions, I relived certain moments in my childhood that gave me answers. I saw a physical anxiety that lives in my body, and if a specific scenario happens externally, it is triggered, and I always have the same reaction. This anxiety occurs right over my heart. By accident of nature, I have a scar that lives there now.
I was given an analogy about animal “trauma” recently. Imagine this… A deer is being chased by a cheetah. The cheetah grasps hold of the deer with it’s teeth. The deer fights hard and somehow manages to escape from the cheetah’s grasp. The deer shakes aggressively, and runs off into the distance. That deer will not dwell on that attack, and then re-live it in every similar future encounter he or she has (whether this be consciously or unconsciously.) They will not live in fear of this happening again. They simply shake it off, and move on with their lives.
So often our reactions to certain situations are us reliving something in our past that has damaged us. The anxiety comes with the uncertainty. Maybe you have abandonment issues like I do. So you’re scared to hold onto something. Then when you are ready to hold on, you’re scared to death to let go. It is a never-ending circle and there is only the long way out to break the chain.
We seek out partners who damage us, because that is what we know. We attract what we think we want… Or has it already been programmed for us? Does the abandonment look familiar? Is the chase addicting? Does the anxiety keep repeating itself? Is there a hole inside of you that you fill with relationships? Or food? Are you okay all alone? Are you afraid to let go? Are you afraid to hold on? Are you afraid to give in? Are you running? Where are you going?
These are questions I ask myself… I find it incredible to see where my mind goes when there is just blank space, which is really what therapy is. It is a blank canvas for our minds to open up. When there is nothing to prove and no one to impress, what might come up for you? What might you be able to re-live? What answers might you get?
Trauma is something that too few talk about in my opinion.
We talk about addiction, but we don’t talk about the trauma behind that addiction. We talk about drugs, but we don’t talk about the trauma behind the drugs. We talk about anxiety, but we don’t talk about the fear that creates the anxiety. We talk about the “wrong” actions, but we don’t talk about what may have caused people to act this way over and over again. We don’t talk about the root. We only talk about the weeds that have grown as a result.
(Side note: Here is an amazing podcast that began my fascination with the link between trauma and addiction: https://tim.blog/2018/02/20/gabor-mate/)
I feel like I am pouring my heart out to anyone who asks lately. I don’t mean to, I am just in a vulnerable place. A vulnerable place is not a place that I am used to being in. The connections I have felt with people has grown stronger. It is uncomfortable though. This is the most vulnerable I have felt in any writing that I have done. Please do not confuse intimacy with vulnerability here, because you see that excerpt at the top, well that excerpt is about me (shocker!) This is still something I am working on.
I never thought that I would share my experiences in therapy and as I type this now, I am still not sure that I will share this with anyone. I only know that sharing truth is important. Sharing my truth is important. If sharing my truth can help anyone feel less alone, that will be enough.
I have seen the art that can come out of that blank canvas of the mind. It is the art that lives inside. It is our past, and no matter how tragic it may be, it belongs to us, and us alone. Being vulnerable is beautiful. I fall in love with vulnerability, don’t we all? Our brokenness is what really connects us. When someone can pour his or her heart out, that’s real beauty. The surrender that it takes to be vulnerable is so human and real.
It is so important to pick our selves back up after something terrible happens. That’s life, yes? It is also important to experience that pain too. This is what I have learned. I have learned to experience pain. I have learned to cry. I have learned to be patient with myself. It’s okay if I don’t get back up immediately. It’s okay to give time to myself. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to be mad. It’s okay to be jealous. So long as it’s honest.
In this age of self-help books and so much light shined on the power of positivity, we don’t focus enough on how to heal the hurt. We especially don’t allow ourselves to be hurt. I have read the books too. I have read so many of them. In a way these books make me feel even worse for not being able to just “get on with it.” That’s because there is something deeper. There is something more to be experienced, and until I deal with it, it will resurface again.
Until I let the pain out, it will continue to hinder me.
Suppressing is always an option. We suppress with alcohol. We suppress with crowds. We suppress with shallow encounters. Suppressing is the act of physically pushing something down through our bodies. We are not letting it become alive, because we don’t want to appear weak. We don’t cry because it is “weak.” We don’t scream because it is crazy. We don’t let ourselves shake, like animals do.
I am seeing a trauma live through me. Physically. It’s incredible. These tears hurt though. My heart hurts. This isn’t easy. May I repeat, this is not easy. I am moving through it though. I hope now in the future to be able to express myself a little clearer and more honest. I hope to not be fearful when the anxiety comes. I hope to be able to show my truth. To shake when I need to.
If I kept suppressing though (which I did try again), and just said it’s all okay, will I have truly let it go? I believe in the power of the mind. I believe in the power of experience. I believe in the power of the body. Our bodies do indeed speak. That anxiety is something that wants to be set free. If the only way out is through, I owe it to myself to walk through that fire.
Whether we heal our past hurt is up to us. I finally feel like I am beginning to heal my hurt. Maybe me sharing this is a part of my healing. Maybe you have something to heal too.