Tag: blog-about-life

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FALLING

I don’t know what’s going to get me where I am supposed to go. I don’t even know where I am going most of the time. Chasing a star I think, chasing my heart a lot. My heart is so sensitive though. My heart is so chaotic. It wants and yearns for now, now, now! My heart is there, why hasn’t the world caught up with my heart yet? My heart is saying, “I am here, take me where I belong! World, hello! Can you hear me?”

That sound used to reverberate back. It’d tell me, “Yes you’re on the right path. Yes you are.” What is right though anymore? What constitutes something as being right? Is it the path of the righteous? Is it the path of the rich? Is it the path of fame? Is it the path of love? What is the right path? What if there is no right path?

Every misstep, I take a fall. I look back and say maybe that wasn’t the greatest move. Maybe it still was though. I just didn’t know it. I keep falling these days. Falling on a job I don’t like. Falling on an emotion I don’t want to feel. Falling on an audition that I wanted to get. Falling on crazy emotion whirling inside of me. Falling to anger. Falling to jealousy.

I wonder if I’ll hit the ground. Where will I be after all this falling? Maybe I am falling so that I’ll land in a magical world like Alice in Wonderland. Maybe everything is so confusing not because that’s just “life,” but because I am on my way. Maybe my way just consists of being off balance a lot and in this unpredictable freefall. Maybe somehow that’s going to lead me to where I want to go. Maybe that’s the most fun part anyways. The time that passes before the landing.

The jumping out of the plane. Into the unknown. Then falling. Just falling. Keep on falling until you land and realize that you had to fall. You had to fall to get where you’re going. Maybe that’s why I am falling.

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To all the things I’ve run away from

To all the things I’ve run away from,

I’ve often thought that to fix a problem, to fix an emotion, to fix a difficulty you can just leave the situation and start over. To fix something, just leave. As simple as that. 

Since deciding that, I’ve left countless places, countless jobs, countless habits in the hopes of just that: to fix something. I’ve left friends that I miss every day. I’ve left jobs that I really loved. I’ve ran from so many things in my life, it’s hard to remember exactly why I ran away at all. Most times, things were just not easy. When it got not easy was when I figured it was time to go somewhere new. Some place where things were light again. New people, new places, new relationships.

Looking back now though, I wonder why I ran. Looking back now, I say sorry to all the beautiful things that I have ran away from. I also wonder if I’ll run again. 

Were those things truly not the right things for me? Or was I just not right with me? 

I can look at something as small as social media or as big as moving. Instead of trying to figure out healthy boundaries, I completely cut things off. I say goodbye and I don’t look back. I can’t help but wonder if these excesses are just disguises to hide from something. The way that I jump from place to place, I wonder if that’s what I do with things in my life too. If one thing doesn’t work the way I want then I am onto another thing.

To the places that I left too soon. To the people that I often wish I never left at all. Thank you for all you’ve taught me.

To a former me. Thank you for the lessons, but I don’t want to run any more.