How often do you pull someone aside, look them in the eye, and say, “Hey I just want you to know, I love you and I appreciate you?’
If you’re me, it’s not too often… I got as close to death as I ever have been last week. Ivan Ariel Aguirre died Monday, November 11th, 2019. Ivan was my little cousin. He was 20 years old. Growing up, he became like a little brother that had gotten too cool for me. He and my brother, Gordo, had been best friends since they were babies.
Seeing Ivan’s body at the viewing was surreal. My brother and I first saw him from a distance. Tears stormed our eyes and sadness took us. As we stepped closer to Ivan’s body, our tears grew heavier. When we got to the casket and stood next to Ivan’s body, something in us halted. The tears rested. For just a minute. I looked at Ivan’s body and I whispered to my brother, “He looks completely at peace.” I kissed his cold cheek. I whispered to him to make me a famous actress. My brother kissed him too and whispered something about ASU winning the championship.
If you know the Aguirre’s (my dad’s family), you’d know they were incredibly “cool.” 6 brothers, 1 sister. All good looking kids, all tough as they needed to be. Mexican. Grew up poor. Their dad left early in their lives, and their mom was at work all the time to support them. My Nana is one strong lady. She remains kind to this day. The Aguirre kids grew up knowing little about anything though. They made up for this by acting like they knew everything. Instead of being sad, “don’t be a sissy”, make a joke. Instead of being mad, make fun of someone. Or shut down completely. Completely lose yourself in your emotions, and don’t accept them. Ignore it or run from it. Whatever you do, make sure you don’t show what’s inside. Stay “cool.”
Emotions are not something my Aguirre family grew up being comfortable with.
The funeral is held at Brophy Chapel in Phoenix, Arizona. There are 500+ people that show up. People are standing in the back. I have never seen a more crowded church in my life. During the eulogy, my Uncle Ariel, Ivan’s dad, talks about Ivan, or as he called his alter ego ‘Gorj.’ Towards the end, he asks anyone that considered Ivan to be their “brother” to join him on the stage. Football guys. School guys. Fraternity guys. My brother. Ivan’s brother. I kid you not, 100 guys walk up to that stage. A movement. They join Ivan and his dad breath in breath with each other. Ivan’s “brotherhood.” All these guys marching as one, standing as one, to honor Ivan. There is not one dry eye in that church…
Ivan touched people. He didn’t leave anyone out either. If his buddy got kicked out of the fraternity and school, Ivan stayed friends with him. Ivan was loyal. He wasn’t “too good” for people. He’d play guitar with the homeless guy on the street. He’d talk to anyone.
Each guy took turns to speak about Ivan. Every one called Ivan their “best friend.” These boys said Ivan was someone that always had his door open (literally in the frat house.) My brother told the story how Ivan would drive an hour away from his busy college life to help him with his math homework. Well, as my brother points out ‘do’ his math homework. My brother accredits Ivan for being the reason he got into ASU, his dream school. I know that’s true because Gordo and math have never got along.
What stood out to me most was when this one kid goes up and grabs the mic… He talks about how Ivan and him would talk about song lyrics and what they meant. They’d talk about everything. He said Ivan was the only guy he’d kissed on the lips, besides his dad. Most important (to me) he said,
Ivan didn’t just love. He would tell you how much he loved you. He would say it. He would pull you aside and tell you how much he loved and appreciated you.
This 20-year-old Aguirre frat boy? Showing his feelings in the realest way. To his boys! His girlfriend went up and talked about what a good boyfriend Ivan was. He knew how to love. He knew how to speak that love. He could commit to someone in a deep, beautiful way. He could tell his friends how he felt about them. His friends. He could tell anyone how he felt about them.
Ivan was a frat kid. He partied, but kept his almost 4.0 GPA and full-ride scholarship at Arizona State University. He traveled out of the country, even when his family didn’t have the money to do so. He made that happen. He made things happen. Ivan was handsome. He was good. He was funny, God he was funny. He was so full of love and I never knew it! He was better than I. He is the reason I believe with my whole heart that, “Only the Good Die Young.”
Buddy, you were a light. A light that was so bright for this world. And so you go. Now, you’re with us somewhere. Or you’re some place better. All I know is you gave yourself to every single person. You showed your truth. An Aguirre. This tough exterior. This cool guy.
You broke down those walls that have been built up for who knows how long.
Ivan loved. He loved fiercely. For that, Ivan, I will keep with me every single day of my life. Thank you, kid. You showed me what real love is, and real love means showing it. It means speaking it. Real love means showing people that you care. It means having an open door and accepting everyone just as they are.
Quote from Ivan:
If you laugh, you think, and you cry, that’s a full day. That’s a heck of a day. You do that seven days a week, you’re going to have something special.
Jim Valvano