Sometimes I think, where did my ambition go? Sometimes as I am looking out at the window at my job, I wonder why that burning fire isn’t as strong as it used to be. That burning flame inside of me that tells me what I want in life. A successful, actress. Right? That’s been the goal for almost four years now.
I almost quit acting this year. When I got back from Spain, I felt a deep dissatisfaction with acting as a career path. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe it could happen. Well, of course it was that too, but what if I held off on living because of what I could have in the future? I really just didn’t know anymore. I started a psychology class at a university to possibly get my Masters and move on to become a therapist. Ah, a clear route towards a career choice. And to learn about the mind? To learn about people, humans. How brilliant would that be?
Similar to acting in ways, my curiosity could still be satisfied with psychology. The first few classes were amazing, I was about 80% sure I was ready to make the jump. The $70,000 of college loans jump to get my masters. Mm. I let some time pass. I didn’t want to be so haste as to commit after just taking a few courses. An impulsive move I’d likely have made at one point. So I gave myself until 2020 to possibly go back. Creativity though? The art of it. Science is an art in its’ own form, but certainly a different kind than the one possible with film making. Interesting? Yes, 100%. But the path for me? I wasn’t so sold yet.
When I got back from Spain, I felt this new energy awaken in me. It wasn’t energy of ambition or drive. It was an energy of subtleties, of community, of finding my place in this world. It was like I got back and less mattered in a way. Acting didn’t matter as much because I knew that as long as I still found a place for it in my life, I’d be okay. Finding a place to live in L.A. after I got back was hard. Places kept falling through. Maybe L.A. wasn’t going to work for me. The failure of finding a place didn’t hurt me the way that it once would have. Again, I felt that if it wasn’t happening, then the pieces would fall as they may. And that was okay.
Maybe I came back with a bit more “let go” in me. A bit more “let go” of what I think I am supposed to do and be. “Let go” of the relationship I think I should have. “Let go” of the place I think I am supposed to live. “Let go” of it all and see what stays. See what is going to stay. See what I want to stay.
I have spoke of the time in Spain, and it is certainly different than Los Angeles. But I went to the desert this past week, and again I feel the time softer there too. Softer time. I saw the stars in the sky on the drive to Arizona. I saw more stars than I’d ever seen. I looked. I stopped and I looked. There was no destination in that moment. That’s what Spain gave me. Time. To ask myself if just because acting was what I had been doing, if it was what I wanted to keep doing. To ask myself if I just didn’t want to quit because I’d already done so much. I got to look at what was behind me and not judge that. I could only see around me for a time.
I finally felt the time clock stop on me finding a serious relationship. I didn’t feel the embarrassment that would come when someone asks me if I’d found someone yet. That clock has most certainly been the loudest ticking in my life. For the first time in a long time, I didn’t feel like I wasn’t giving enough or I wasn’t being enough or I wasn’t showing enough or I wasn’t putting enough effort.
That exhausting ticking clock had finally started settling. It felt so magical and putting it into words does too. Because I have not been in a serious relationship for 9 years. That does not mean there is something wrong with me, it means that I haven’t found the right relationship to be in. I finally believe that, and that is because I don’t hear the clock anymore.
I visited a guy in Spain. Fell a bit mad for him too in the short time I was there. He was sweet. And we got along. And together, we created this beautiful energy. I was so sad to leave him. Also, angry in ways too. I wanted more out of the short time we had together. That wasn’t fair for me to want more for either of us. I would return to California and he to his life in Europe.
But I felt that I needed to do more, if I just did more, we could be more, and it could last. Maybe. But, that, you see that was the clock. Same with acting. If I could just do more, I would get more. I held onto the idea of what I wanted so badly. I held onto the idea of him for longer than necessary when I returned. Only today did something in me spark, and show me in what ways meeting him and getting to know him freed me. Only recently have I been able to thank the art of acting for all it has given me.
Let go. Of what that relationship was supposed to be. Of what my career is supposed to look like. Of what my friends should look like. Let go of thinking there should be a clear path to my future. Let go of anything that “should” be anyway. Coming back brought me a new found peace. A new found patience. A respect for what has already happened. A waiting to see what unfolds. A life already in this waiting.