Tag: life

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Yin and Yang

In second grade, I was a sweet little angel. The world was sweet. So I was sweet. I was quiet, and did my very best in school. I got A’s on my report card and never complained. Then my brother came into the world. He would push my limits. As much as I tried to keep my cool with him, I realized I had to fight for survival. It was the only way. I let him annoy me uncontrollably until age 10, when I realized I could beat him up, and I would successfully do that for many years. By third grade, I am bullying the boys on the 4-square court. I would tell them that they sucked a lot at everything, and I would always say I could beat them in any sport we played. I had a unibrow too, so I was tough. Real tough. I was “cool.” Yeah, real cool in third grade.

Growing up, I started to realize that I run on extremes. When I’ve been bad, I’ve been bad. When I’ve been good, I’ve been real good. I lost myself trying to be the most rebellious girl, and again trying to be the perfect saintly girl. The truth is my core was closer to the rebellious girl. By nature… but I am not only one thing. I am not only this saint who doesn’t like to be wild ever, nor am I the girl who was falling over and embarrassing herself at the party. Although I have been both of those things, I am neither one or the other. I always felt that I had to choose one though. As of the past few years, the saint girl has been running the show.

I went to Spain during the month of August. It had ups and it had downs. Some parts were amazing, some parts were not. I loved. I hated. I got kicked out of an air bnb. I got in a verbal fight with the owner of the place. Don’t you judge me, though. What did happen was some serious miscommunication and (likely) some already bias toward my American-woman self and his Russian-man self. I can’t be absolutely sure why it went as awry as it did, but I did stand up for myself. 

In a time where before I know I would have avoided this… where my “sweet persona” would have taken over, where the “no it’s okay, avoid all conflict” from the little buddha breathing down my neck would have taken flight, I fought. I fought him when I was certainly in a state of less power. I stood up for what I wanted. If you want specifics, go read the air bnb reviews, because no way am I repeating this story again.

My point is…

We are not all just one thing.

After I stopped being a kid anymore, I always thought that I had to choose. I am this. I am that. I am too masculine. I need to be more feminine. I am “bad.” I am “good”. I am “cool”. I am this. I am that. I wasn’t that kid anymore who just did what she had to do, and didn’t overthink every little thing. Fighting became “bad” too, no no, none of that. No need for bad here. Only peace here. No need to stir anything up. I am so at peace. Do you hear me? Nothing you do phases me! Right…

I wanted to say I hate you. I wanted to say you are wrong. I wanted to say don’t do that, it hurts me. But I bit my tongue and I didn’t say what I wanted, because I am being “good.” I say nothing because I am being “peaceful”. That is a lie. Every time I played “peaceful” when I wanted to fight, I felt deep anxiety. The fight and flight response in me lit up. The fire in me wanted to breathe. It wanted to come out so badly, but I wouldn’t let it. I wouldn’t let it speak the truth! 

My truth, and I think the truth of everyone is… I am feminine. I am masculine. I am saint. I am sinner. I am peaceful. I am wild. I am all these things at once. It took all these experiences up until now, and I think Spain, for me to see that. Going to Spain awakened the fighter in me. Maybe my Latina bloodline fed me my medicine I needed to wake up to my natural self. A little bit of the “bad.” The real. 

The fighter in me has been shut out for so long. I think she scared me.

I know not every fight is worth fighting… not even close, but some most certainly are. I have to fight, and the saint doesn’t fight. Life won’t always be pretty like my meditation tells me every day. It won’t. And I don’t want pretty all the time. I won’t grow with pretty. I won’t change. I want to live and be crazy and wild and sweet and soft all in one. I am all of these things. I am done labeling myself as all one thing, or thinking that I am all one thing because I am not. I can be sweet and I can be mean. I am up and I am down. I am me. That’s all I can be.

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balls story

One of my professors at San Diego State told me a riddle two years ago. It went like this:

“So you have a bag. In it, you must fit a bowling ball, three volleyballs, four softballs, and two golf balls. You put the golf balls in first, then the volleyballs, then the bowling ball. You have run out of room. You put the softballs in first, then the bowling ball, then the volleyballs. You have run out of room again. You put the bowling ball in, volleyballs, softballs, and finally golf balls. They all fit. You have to put the largest ones first or there will not be room for the others. Think of this as your life. Your priorities. If you do not put the most important ones first, the other things you seek will not fit. Time them appropriately and everything will fit together perfectly.”

This class (Management Information Systems 302) was one of my least favorite classes I ever took. I did make some rad new friends in it, which made it slightly more favorable. But all in all, this class was a dud.

No skills or assignments I learned in this class changed my life, but this quote did. No, I will call it a story. This story did. He told us it preceding our college graduation. An uncertain time. The story has stuck with me since. It showed me a perspective I had never thought of before. I remind myself of it constantly. Lexi, don’t worry so much remember “ball story, ball story, ball story!”.

I actually mutter this to myself often. I talk to myself a lot… Anyway, in my interpretation, I believe I was told me that I was allowed all the beautiful gifts of life: love, career, passion, balance, and fun so long as I put them in the proper order.

I used to party. I used to party a lot. Like most of the people I know from college, we used to do wild things all the time. I used to do things like fall through roofs and crash mopeds when I would drink. Others didn’t go quite so far, well most others. I have some of the most embarrassing stories that I’ve ever heard. Truth. In college, I valued partying a lot. It was everything to me and it was the most important thing. Relationships would falter because of it, along with most other things in my life that took a back seat. But that was what was important to me, so that is what I did. No regrets. I threw fun ass parties (lol). But, as I got in trouble with the law (more than once) and those around me, something happened that really changed me.

I finally realized that other things in life were more important to me. It is a part of getting older for all of us, I am sure. I saw that trying to start a career that I would want to wake up for in the morning, living a healthy life, and spending time with my family were the most important things to me. Knowing that I was earning my money in a genuine way was important. Acting and being able to express myself creatively was important. Being there for my friends at any moment was important. Doing the right thing when no one was looking was important. Having God in my life was important. I started putting the biggest balls first for me. It felt freeing.

Everyone’s path is so different. We all have different balls (ha). I think that this “ball story”, yes so glad I have a “ball story” I can refer to, has taught me in many of the decisions that I make. I am who I am because when I start to remember what is most important in my life, right now, I can decide which path to take. I can decide where my time is better spent. I can see that I don’t need to force things in my life that are not working. Maybe it is not time for that ball, or maybe that ball doesn’t belong in my bag. Ya know?

I needed to share my “ball story” because I think it can help those of us who think that everything is supposed to happen right now. Forcing relationships that aren’t meant to be. Forcing anything that sucks the soul out of us (dramatic, I am, I know). And mainly, forcing balls that aren’t supposed to go first. I question things all the time.

“Why can’t I be in love? Am I not trying hard enough? Why don’t I make more money? Am I in the right industry? I want it all and I want it now!”

But that’s not how life goes. I think that if I put the right priorities first, I will get all of these things in due time. If I put my biggest balls first, then all the rest will fit too. Well shit, I hope. Then I will have the coolest, most colossal bag of balls you’ve ever seen.

If some of my words didn’t make you laugh, maybe this chubby pic of me with my fave ball will.

Thx.

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The Bright Side of a Dark Path

I go for a run. I park my car a few blocks from the beach like usual and take my first few strides toward the cement boardwalk. I get a little traction and gravity has me. It is a cool night and I can feel the subtle wind brushing against my ears. The night begins to creep in and before I know it the only sign of light is from the antique like lamps briskly passing in the corners of my eyes. I cannot see the end of this man made path that allows me to walk hand in hand with miles of sand. I can see the family watching the Broncos game in the house to my left. I smell the warm aroma in their home. I hear the waves crashing yards away from me. I can feel all of this around me, but the darkness does not allow me to see what is just steps ahead.

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I run. I keep going until it ends.

Running in darkness allows time to stand still for me. When I cannot see the end, I take in each moment, because what else is there. I am not counting seconds. I am focused on what is around me. I am focused on the life that is taking place inside of each home. The eternity I hear in each crashing wave. There is no lingering in my mind of when I will be done or when I will need to turn around. There is just going.

Just movement.

I try to imagine my life through these types of lenses. Although the daylight comes with each sunrise, we are all in the dark. We do not know when we will reach the end. We do not see the exact path we are on or where we will step next. We just see, hear, and feel exactly where we are. We try and pave the best path that we can. We use our today’s to try to make better tomorrow’s. We plan, plan, and question whether we are creating our own journey with each action we take, or whether we are just precarious pieces in an unusual game.

I want to take this darkness and uncertainty in where my life is and make it beautiful. I want the confusion to be just as comforting as my nightfall runs. The abyss of the future and not seeing the end of my path allows me a gift. It allows me a present, the present. It allows me now. It allows me to just keep going.

Imagine. If you were to see each gift and every tantalizing piece of adversity you will face in your entire life, would you keep on? If you could see your life like a long paved road and see each place you will falter right in front of you, could you continue? Would you want to? All the work you will do, the tears you will cry, the moments of happiness that will bring you to your knees.

If you could see everything in your future and determine exactly what steps you should take, would you want to know? Our mistakes after all are what make us who we are. If we knew, it would mean nothing. It would just be the turning of a page in a book we have already read. It would already be written. You would know what is going to happen and it would never be as good as the first time. Life would become a means to an end.

books-antique

This is each of our own stories though.

We have to write our own pages. Many of us are only in the beginning of our books. We are the authors and no one else can write it for us. Each journey has so much depth and everything we experience in our lives is genuine because it is real. It happens in real time and there is no way to predict what will occur. No matter how much we plan or expect, life will happen. There is something beautiful about the emptiness of an uncertain path and not knowing what is ahead. It is filled with so much opportunity. It is filled with so much doubt. It is filled with so much life.

Just look around. Take it in. And take the next step. Keep moving. You never know what may lie ahead.