Circle

by Lex Aguirre

Take 1. I go to Walgreens to get some photos printed. I ring them up and realize they are overpriced and I did them without a border! I need perfect on these. I wait the night out and take attempt two the next day at a different store. I get off the freeway in L.A. to arrive at an Office Depot. The girl at the counter confides in telling me that she is new. The 16-year-old teenage boys managing the place are arguing about who gets to take their break next. I see that this situation is not going to lead me into getting what I need. I don’t pay for, but leave with horribly printed and wrong sized photos and call this take 2.

Take 3 happens when I am in lovely spirits leaving my yoga class. I stop at a Staples and the woman behind the counter knows what she’s doing. I can see the professionalism and determination in her eyes. This is where my photos will be done. I email them over to her and she says they will be done in about 30-45 minutes. Good things do take time, don’t they? I wait it out and go browse around Sprouts spending money on things like tea tree oil and vegan protein powder. I go back to the counter and find that she is not done. I linger around as unobtrusively as possible and she tells me they are ready. I walk with purpose to see the creation and what is sure to be final product. The printer had made the photos washed out and distorted. They did not look like photos at all. I had the 6 copies but they were well below par. I explained this to the woman; She understood and gives me the 6 washed out photos for free. I now have 7 terrible, terrible photos.

I wait another day, because the stress of getting these done is too frustrating to keep trying all in one 24-hour period. I end up back at Walgreens for attempt 4, the first place that I had tried. I go to plug in my phone. The USB won’t connect. I am trying to send the photo, it isn’t working. I decide to send the original, unedited photo I had printed in the very first place. I cannot wait any longer nor try to make anything more perfect. This is what I have and this is what will be. I send the O-G photo over and it is printed. The exact same photo I had done during attempt #1.

Now, this headache of events is trivial in the grand scheme of my life. But it only brings me to compare it to what decisions are like so often. Too often, I find myself fighting what comes natural. The ego gets in the way and says work, relationships, and financially, I am “supposed” to be a certain way. Priorities are important and we can only manage a few. During events in my life, things seem to repeat. Some things come more naturally and some don’t. Certain aspects go full circle and continue to do so until I accept and follow that path. This is so with the bad too. I am a firm believer in karma; Also in karma of the heart. It will tell us what is right, if we only have the patience and the open mind to listen.

When we were little kids we were curious about everything. We asked questions and knew what we wanted. How is it that a child can walk into a room and share their every emotion so easily, yet an adult cannot express a single honest one throughout an entire day? The vulnerability of children is so sweet and we were all once children. We all were good at different things. Why aren’t we doing those things any more? Our adult brain gives up on ourselves before we even give anything a shot. Go try and fail. What will you have lost by trying?

Being good to others is everything, but being good to ourselves is the beginning. Our human nature is competitive. We try and be everything. But why? When we find that we are all naturally great at different things, there can be no more competition. We just excel at what we are best at. We have strengths and we know where they lie. We also know our weaknesses. There is trouble that I have gotten myself into in the past and conflicts that arose from that trouble. Until I did something different; I changed. My behaviors. My actions. I saw myself going in a repetitive circle and I knew that by doing a I would almost always get result b. I knew I didn’t want b anymore so I didn’t do a anymore.

Most of us are scared to change because we fear being different. We are scared people will judge us. I was scared, too. Until I wasn’t. Different is the only way I have found myself. I find that the times when I can most clearly see where I want my future to go is when I am away from all the noise. When I have time to think for myself, in meeting new people, being new places, long drives by myself. The road feels lonely sometimes. But I grow and find different parts of myself. For me, it is acting. I wanted to be an actress when I was young. I was in plays as a kid. I did it again my senior year of high school. Took a class in college. And the circle has come around again. I have a degree in Business, and pursuing acting is not exactly something many in our capitalistic society would promote. But my heart aches for it, because I know somewhere in my gut, it is what I need to be doing. It is what I love and it is what I am good at.

These photos are headshots for the first play I have been in since high school. Getting them printed perfect for me was what I thought mattered. But what matters is trying, showing up, and giving something a shot. Try and take a risk and do what everyone else isn’t doing. You know in your heart what will keep repeating in life. The opportunity will be there, so long as you are willing to sacrifice for it. It wont be easy, perfection is a myth, but I guess we all have to make those 4 stops at the wrong places to realize where we started was exactly where we needed to be.